Blooming

My next happiness endeavour is a fun one. While perusing Pinterest for happiness boosters, I stumbled upon an article about fresh flowers and their link to improved mood. I decided this would be the perfect 'happiness booster' to test out. At the very least, I'll have some pretty flowers in my house.

A Harvard study by evolutionary psychologist Nancy Etcoff  showed a link between seeing displayed fresh flowers and an increased level of happiness and enthusiasm throughout.  I DO NOT have a green thumb, but I love flowers. I love arranging them and love looking at them. But I never have fresh flowers in my home. Save for the obligatory Mother's Day bouquet from the kids, my vases remain empty.

The act of buying fresh flowers felt so indulgent. I brought my daughter with me, so of course I came home with a bouquet of bright pink tulips. I slipped them into a vase and placed them in the middle of our dining table.

The flowers lasted a few days before being de-stemmed brutally by a (recently learnt climbing) baby. During their short stint, I definitely enjoyed their presence. Having them on the table also encouraged me to keep the clutter off the table. Did it consistently improve my mood? Hard to say. But it did feel nice to do a little something for myself, for no special reason and they did bring a smile to my face as I passed them by.

I do plan on making an effort to have fresh flowers and plants around the house more.  One thing I did find is the happiness factor is definitely boosted when flowers are given as a gift. My birthday just passed, and my birthday bouquet from my husband and kids is sitting in front of me as I work. Maybe it is the flowers, or maybe it is the reminder of my sweet family but either way- having them in front of me definitely increases my happiness in this moment.

So, go out, buy yourself-or a good friend- a beautiful bouquet of flowers. Soak in the bit of extra happiness.

My Momiversary

Today, my first born baby girl turned five. 5!!!

I know I promised this blog wouldn't be a parenting blog, but this is a day that deserves to be celebrated. So, in the spirit of being SELF{ish} I am reflecting on MY journey over the past five years and how much life has changed.

My children both look like their father (who is super duper handsome, btw, so that is a bonus) but A. has unquestionably inherited many of my personality traits.  A lot of them.

I have always been a loud, rambunctious person. The polite call it outgoing. I call it outgoing to the max. Not really- I call it annoying. I often find myself embarrassed of my over-enthusiasm. A. has that same unbounded, boisterous joie-de-vivre. Her happiness is contagious, and she is impossible to be around without smiling. I figure if I love it in her, how can I not love that same quality in myself?

Being a mom has taught me so much about love. An absolute cliche- I had no concept of how intensely and unconditionally I would love my children. Even when they are simultaneously driving me to the brink of insanity. I look at them and feel an overwhelming sense of love. Especially when they are asleep.

The biggest thing that being a mother has taught me is that I am strong. This strength has been tested countless times in the past five years. From bedtimes (still fighting that battle) to pregnancy losses, and from Emergency Room visits to having an un-medicated, unexpectedly fast childbirth in an ambulance. (Expect future blog posts on all of the above.) I am strong. And so are you. Mama, you are STRONG. You have such power within you, and acknowledging that fact will only make us stronger.

I want to thank my five year old girl for teaching me so much. I know she will continue to teach me lessons whether I am ready for them or not.

Happy Momiversary!

A Hard Day

We all know some days are harder than others.

On the hard days, the hours creep by a little slower. The small things seem to get a little bigger and the big things- mountainous. I am pushing myself to think of something to write about. Something upbeat, something that will show you I'm making progress. But the truth of it is that today is not a good day. Today is a hard day.

On the hard days when milk is spilt, so are tears. Some days Netflix won't connect and you don't get a shower, or a meal, or even a hot (tepid, even) coffee. On a hard day, I start to really feel the distance between our family. I feel the weight of the loneliness of spending days with two small children and minimal adult interaction. Being a stay at home parent is rewarding, yes, but it can also be so isolating. And today, I'm feeling it.

The good thing about the hard days? They always end. And you never know what tomorrow will bring.

Coffee Break

I love coffee. My husband calls me a junkie, it's an addiction I like to blame on my caffeine-loving parents, as well as complete and total sleep deprivation. But, as much as I love the caffeine jolt, for me it is more about the ritual. At home, I brew my coffee the old-fashioned way using a french press or drip method. It's a process to boil the water, grind the beans and wait for that rich, smooth pick-me-up but it is so worth it. Even better if the kids let me have a few moments of quiet for my first sips.

My favourite local coffee shop is North Mountain Coffee Co.  The coffee is delicious, the staff always friendly and welcoming, and the cafe itself is eclectic and inviting. The chocolate croissants don't hurt. I head in to buy my bag of beans, but I always get myself a little treat while I'm there. I'm not the only one who loves a visit to 'the cafe' either...

It is one of the simple things that makes me pause and appreciate little moments. A few quiet sips of coffee and catching up with a friend as the sun shines through the window is all I need. Oh, and a chocolate croissant.

The Red Lip Project

Ok, so beauty is on the inside, is only skin deep, etc etc.
I'm not going to lie to you. I want to be pretty. I know I'm supposed to say that looks don't matter and it's what is on the inside that counts. But in all honesty, looks do matter. When I look better, I feel better.

I spend every morning tying up pigtails, picking out (usually matching) outfits, and washing sticky little faces. By the time that's done, we're late, so I get a quick comb through if I'm lucky, and throw on some leggings. On a good day, I brush my teeth. No wonder I have lost my sparkle. 

The art of focusing on myself is going to mean putting some effort into my appearance. 

I long for the day I can look into the mirror and like what I see. I know that is going to take more than a flat iron and bronzer, but for me that's a part of it.

My first step was a big, bold lip. 

Let me tell you, rocking a red lip is not for the faint of heart. Sure, it looks amazing on all the hipster style bloggers on Pinterest. But a 30 year old Mom-of-two.... 

I will admit, I was nervous to go out. Wearing a red lip requires bravery and confidence. Also, a lip wax. 

I do love the look of a bold lip. And I'm working on really pulling it off fearlessly. I discovered my fear was a lot less about the look itself and a lot more about how I relate to my looks. I urge you to do something outside of your comfort zone! Go confidently into the great Sephora! Let me know how you do.

Saying It Out Loud

I'm typing this out through hot tears.

Yesterday, I posted a very difficult confession. Something I've been struggling silently with for a long time. I felt alone. I was crushed by guilt and embarrassment. But today- I was blown away. 

I feel compelled to thank you right away. I am reading your amazing words of love and support, and I am honoured by those of you sharing your own stories and experiences. I was shocked by all the comments. And amazed by your messages. Thank you for admitting "I am there too" or for offering your own truth "I got through it- so will you!"
Some of you called me brave. Let me tell you- I am terrified. It took me months to work up the courage to make an appointment, weeks to work up the courage to write about it and weeks longer to work up the courage to post it. YOU got me there. You gave me the courage.

I started this blog as a personal outlet and to keep myself accountable on this journey. I could have never imagined that it would so quickly turn out to bring me so much strength.

I truly hope you can draw strength from it as well. Get the words out-write them, call a friend, speak your truth out loud in whatever way you can and I know you will feel lighter.

So, thank you. I love you. 

A Little Deeper

I'm about to get real serious on y'all. I have actually been putting off posting this for days. I've had it written for a week, but I keep holding back. This blog is my first little step to change and I feel like I owe it to you to be honest. So here goes....

As I mentioned before, initially this blog was a way to help me find my joy. After really looking closer at myself and my life, and talking to a couple of close friends, I have decided that it's more than being generally unhappy. I have made a long overdue decision to seek out medical help for regards to PPD (post partum depression).

My youngest daughter is 14 months old. I know it may seem like very late to be dealing with an issue like PPD. She's not a newborn, she's also not my first baby, so I was not expecting to be suffering from PPD. However, I know I haven't been myself for a long time. I'm irritable. Actually, irritable doesn't cover it. I'm mean. My ability to cope with even minor issues is completely diminished. Small things seem insurmountable lately.

I recently stumbled upon this blog post from The UnCoordinated Mommy about post partum rage as a symptom of PPD.  Reading this entry was like reading my own thoughts up on the screen. I've been feeling like an awful human being for so long, and I think I may finally have a ray of hope. My symptoms aren't what you would typically associate with depression. It's not so much sadness and crying but anxiety and anger. In all honesty, I just felt like maybe I was not meant to be a mother. I often thought if I just left that my girls might just be better off.

I decided to muster up the courage to post in my favourite Facebook mommy group looking for advice, experience, really just one single person to make me feel like I wasn't alone. I was shocked by the response. Mommy after Mommy admitted that they too were struggling with yelling, frustration, outbursts. For the first time, I didn't feel alone. At that moment, I finally realised that it wasn't my fault. I was not a bad person, or a bad mother. Something was wrong. And I decided to finally take the steps to make it right.

I finally sucked it up, and have made an appointment to seek out the advice of my GP, with hopes to get a referral for counselling as a first step. Since it's a part of my journey, I'll be sharing it on my blog as well.

If this sounds familiar to you please know that you are not alone. You are not a bad mommy, or a bad person, but you do need help. I urge you to make that call as difficult as it seems. You are worth it.

Thanks for coming with me,
Anna

* Mentioned blog post can be found at http://theuncoordinatedmommy.com/hi-my-name-is-tracy-and-i-throw-things/

A Plan of Action

My quest for happiness has begun. I have decided I wanted to focus on myself, my needs and 'find my bliss'. So how the hell do I find it!?

It is pretty obvious that sitting around waiting for something good to happen is not working. I've got to make a plan.

Luckily, making a plan involves making a list. And I LOVE making lists. I have decided to to divide my focus into three areas. Mind, Body and Spirit. The trick will be to find a balance between all these things, which I know won't be easy. But as the saying goes "nothing worth having was easy." Or something along those lines anyway.....These areas are broad and sweeping, and incredibly vague. I intentionally left them that way. A plan is a good thing to have, but I also want to leave myself room to follow different opportunities.

Mind- For me this means spending time developing my brain! Staying home with kids all day can make you feel like you are losing your mind. As much as I love rocking out to a Bubble Guppies jam, after awhile it starts to turn your brain to mush. My plan is to take a course or learn a new skill. And also, to read more books. I love reading, and used to be an avid reader but books are one of the things I find I no longer have time to indulge in. Until now! 

Body- I'll be focusing on eating better, being more active and taking better care of my physical self. It also includes putting some more effort into my appearance because I'm not afraid to admit- I'm pretty vain. Honestly though, I find if I put a little effort into my outward appearance, I tend to feel better about myself. And that is what this project is all about after all.

Spirit- Ah, the tough one. To me focusing in on my spirit is the biggest challenge of all. It is forcing me to really look inward which is scary. In this area, my plan is to start to practise self-love. Forcing myself to slow down, and find some new ways to feed my spirit. Ambiguous enough for ya? This will be my biggest challenge by far, but so so SO important.

This blog is really a culmination of all of my 'improvement areas' and YOU are my motivation. Thanks for sticking with me!

Becoming Selfish

My first blog post!
This blog has been an idea bouncing around my head for some time now. Although its culmination is the result of a recent conversation and a major kick to my own ass, it's been a long time coming. So my struggle with the first post is to try not to let it all out at once stream of consciousness-style. I'll pace myself. You're welcome.

I first mentioned starting a blog to a few close friends, my husband, and my mom. Almost everyone asked if it would be a Mommy blog. Even I figured that's what I would be writing about. After all, what else do I have anything to say about?

Um, A LOT of things!!! After thinking a bit more seriously, it began to bother me. Did I really feel like motherhood was the only thing I had to talk about? And that's when it really hit me. I had lost myself. Somewhere along the way of pregnancy, marriage and motherhood, I had been left behind.

This blog is my journey to find myself again. It's the beginning of a modern self-help, self-care regime. It is NOT a Mommy blog, although my girls will definitely be recurring characters. I am going to be selfish and by that I mean I'm going to take the time to focus on myself. My needs, my feelings and my happiness. I'm making a promise to myself and to my readers to focus inward and find my joy.

I hope you'll join me, and I hope you are inspired to search for your own inner spark!