I'm about to get real serious on y'all. I have actually been putting off posting this for days. I've had it written for a week, but I keep holding back. This blog is my first little step to change and I feel like I owe it to you to be honest. So here goes....
As I mentioned before, initially this blog was a way to help me find my joy. After really looking closer at myself and my life, and talking to a couple of close friends, I have decided that it's more than being generally unhappy. I have made a long overdue decision to seek out medical help for regards to PPD (post partum depression).
My youngest daughter is 14 months old. I know it may seem like very late to be dealing with an issue like PPD. She's not a newborn, she's also not my first baby, so I was not expecting to be suffering from PPD. However, I know I haven't been myself for a long time. I'm irritable. Actually, irritable doesn't cover it. I'm mean. My ability to cope with even minor issues is completely diminished. Small things seem insurmountable lately.
I recently stumbled upon this blog post from The UnCoordinated Mommy about post partum rage as a symptom of PPD. Reading this entry was like reading my own thoughts up on the screen. I've been feeling like an awful human being for so long, and I think I may finally have a ray of hope. My symptoms aren't what you would typically associate with depression. It's not so much sadness and crying but anxiety and anger. In all honesty, I just felt like maybe I was not meant to be a mother. I often thought if I just left that my girls might just be better off.
I decided to muster up the courage to post in my favourite Facebook mommy group looking for advice, experience, really just one single person to make me feel like I wasn't alone. I was shocked by the response. Mommy after Mommy admitted that they too were struggling with yelling, frustration, outbursts. For the first time, I didn't feel alone. At that moment, I finally realised that it wasn't my fault. I was not a bad person, or a bad mother. Something was wrong. And I decided to finally take the steps to make it right.
I finally sucked it up, and have made an appointment to seek out the advice of my GP, with hopes to get a referral for counselling as a first step. Since it's a part of my journey, I'll be sharing it on my blog as well.
If this sounds familiar to you please know that you are not alone. You are not a bad mommy, or a bad person, but you do need help. I urge you to make that call as difficult as it seems. You are worth it.
Thanks for coming with me,
Anna
* Mentioned blog post can be found at http://theuncoordinatedmommy.com/hi-my-name-is-tracy-and-i-throw-things/
Thanks for sharing such a deep post. The first part to healing is talking about it! We are all too scared to talk about mental health in fear of being judged. When in reality we all have our issues. I went through anxiety attacks for a little over a year. I sought help and I now know how to cope when overwhelmed. The harder we try to push something away emotionally the more it explodes unintentionally. The psychologist I went to see told me that emotions are like food. They need to be digested and excreted. If not they build up and come flooding out. Seems so weird to look at it that way but after awhile it made sense.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to taking this journey with you! I am also here anytime you want to chat.
Much Love
Danielle
Hi Anna, I too was a full time stay-at-home mom and remember "losing myself" along the way. It just seemed that having 3 active busy sons plus running the household used up all my energy and time. I also helped with the care of my mother who had a stroke before the third son was born I readily admit now that there was a rage inside me at times. A lack of patience as well. Full time working moms sometimes said they thought I was SO lucky but they were out having lunch with a friend while I was home mopping up spilled apple juice hitting my head on the table when I got back up, sometimes crying into the apple juice if it was the third spill that day. This was back in the 1970s and 1980s with no internet. In many ways it was quite socially isolating. I admire your courage to confront this and wish you and the other young moms luck on your journey.
ReplyDelete