The Red Lip Project

Ok, so beauty is on the inside, is only skin deep, etc etc.
I'm not going to lie to you. I want to be pretty. I know I'm supposed to say that looks don't matter and it's what is on the inside that counts. But in all honesty, looks do matter. When I look better, I feel better.

I spend every morning tying up pigtails, picking out (usually matching) outfits, and washing sticky little faces. By the time that's done, we're late, so I get a quick comb through if I'm lucky, and throw on some leggings. On a good day, I brush my teeth. No wonder I have lost my sparkle. 

The art of focusing on myself is going to mean putting some effort into my appearance. 

I long for the day I can look into the mirror and like what I see. I know that is going to take more than a flat iron and bronzer, but for me that's a part of it.

My first step was a big, bold lip. 

Let me tell you, rocking a red lip is not for the faint of heart. Sure, it looks amazing on all the hipster style bloggers on Pinterest. But a 30 year old Mom-of-two.... 

I will admit, I was nervous to go out. Wearing a red lip requires bravery and confidence. Also, a lip wax. 

I do love the look of a bold lip. And I'm working on really pulling it off fearlessly. I discovered my fear was a lot less about the look itself and a lot more about how I relate to my looks. I urge you to do something outside of your comfort zone! Go confidently into the great Sephora! Let me know how you do.

Saying It Out Loud

I'm typing this out through hot tears.

Yesterday, I posted a very difficult confession. Something I've been struggling silently with for a long time. I felt alone. I was crushed by guilt and embarrassment. But today- I was blown away. 

I feel compelled to thank you right away. I am reading your amazing words of love and support, and I am honoured by those of you sharing your own stories and experiences. I was shocked by all the comments. And amazed by your messages. Thank you for admitting "I am there too" or for offering your own truth "I got through it- so will you!"
Some of you called me brave. Let me tell you- I am terrified. It took me months to work up the courage to make an appointment, weeks to work up the courage to write about it and weeks longer to work up the courage to post it. YOU got me there. You gave me the courage.

I started this blog as a personal outlet and to keep myself accountable on this journey. I could have never imagined that it would so quickly turn out to bring me so much strength.

I truly hope you can draw strength from it as well. Get the words out-write them, call a friend, speak your truth out loud in whatever way you can and I know you will feel lighter.

So, thank you. I love you. 

A Little Deeper

I'm about to get real serious on y'all. I have actually been putting off posting this for days. I've had it written for a week, but I keep holding back. This blog is my first little step to change and I feel like I owe it to you to be honest. So here goes....

As I mentioned before, initially this blog was a way to help me find my joy. After really looking closer at myself and my life, and talking to a couple of close friends, I have decided that it's more than being generally unhappy. I have made a long overdue decision to seek out medical help for regards to PPD (post partum depression).

My youngest daughter is 14 months old. I know it may seem like very late to be dealing with an issue like PPD. She's not a newborn, she's also not my first baby, so I was not expecting to be suffering from PPD. However, I know I haven't been myself for a long time. I'm irritable. Actually, irritable doesn't cover it. I'm mean. My ability to cope with even minor issues is completely diminished. Small things seem insurmountable lately.

I recently stumbled upon this blog post from The UnCoordinated Mommy about post partum rage as a symptom of PPD.  Reading this entry was like reading my own thoughts up on the screen. I've been feeling like an awful human being for so long, and I think I may finally have a ray of hope. My symptoms aren't what you would typically associate with depression. It's not so much sadness and crying but anxiety and anger. In all honesty, I just felt like maybe I was not meant to be a mother. I often thought if I just left that my girls might just be better off.

I decided to muster up the courage to post in my favourite Facebook mommy group looking for advice, experience, really just one single person to make me feel like I wasn't alone. I was shocked by the response. Mommy after Mommy admitted that they too were struggling with yelling, frustration, outbursts. For the first time, I didn't feel alone. At that moment, I finally realised that it wasn't my fault. I was not a bad person, or a bad mother. Something was wrong. And I decided to finally take the steps to make it right.

I finally sucked it up, and have made an appointment to seek out the advice of my GP, with hopes to get a referral for counselling as a first step. Since it's a part of my journey, I'll be sharing it on my blog as well.

If this sounds familiar to you please know that you are not alone. You are not a bad mommy, or a bad person, but you do need help. I urge you to make that call as difficult as it seems. You are worth it.

Thanks for coming with me,
Anna

* Mentioned blog post can be found at http://theuncoordinatedmommy.com/hi-my-name-is-tracy-and-i-throw-things/

A Plan of Action

My quest for happiness has begun. I have decided I wanted to focus on myself, my needs and 'find my bliss'. So how the hell do I find it!?

It is pretty obvious that sitting around waiting for something good to happen is not working. I've got to make a plan.

Luckily, making a plan involves making a list. And I LOVE making lists. I have decided to to divide my focus into three areas. Mind, Body and Spirit. The trick will be to find a balance between all these things, which I know won't be easy. But as the saying goes "nothing worth having was easy." Or something along those lines anyway.....These areas are broad and sweeping, and incredibly vague. I intentionally left them that way. A plan is a good thing to have, but I also want to leave myself room to follow different opportunities.

Mind- For me this means spending time developing my brain! Staying home with kids all day can make you feel like you are losing your mind. As much as I love rocking out to a Bubble Guppies jam, after awhile it starts to turn your brain to mush. My plan is to take a course or learn a new skill. And also, to read more books. I love reading, and used to be an avid reader but books are one of the things I find I no longer have time to indulge in. Until now! 

Body- I'll be focusing on eating better, being more active and taking better care of my physical self. It also includes putting some more effort into my appearance because I'm not afraid to admit- I'm pretty vain. Honestly though, I find if I put a little effort into my outward appearance, I tend to feel better about myself. And that is what this project is all about after all.

Spirit- Ah, the tough one. To me focusing in on my spirit is the biggest challenge of all. It is forcing me to really look inward which is scary. In this area, my plan is to start to practise self-love. Forcing myself to slow down, and find some new ways to feed my spirit. Ambiguous enough for ya? This will be my biggest challenge by far, but so so SO important.

This blog is really a culmination of all of my 'improvement areas' and YOU are my motivation. Thanks for sticking with me!

Becoming Selfish

My first blog post!
This blog has been an idea bouncing around my head for some time now. Although its culmination is the result of a recent conversation and a major kick to my own ass, it's been a long time coming. So my struggle with the first post is to try not to let it all out at once stream of consciousness-style. I'll pace myself. You're welcome.

I first mentioned starting a blog to a few close friends, my husband, and my mom. Almost everyone asked if it would be a Mommy blog. Even I figured that's what I would be writing about. After all, what else do I have anything to say about?

Um, A LOT of things!!! After thinking a bit more seriously, it began to bother me. Did I really feel like motherhood was the only thing I had to talk about? And that's when it really hit me. I had lost myself. Somewhere along the way of pregnancy, marriage and motherhood, I had been left behind.

This blog is my journey to find myself again. It's the beginning of a modern self-help, self-care regime. It is NOT a Mommy blog, although my girls will definitely be recurring characters. I am going to be selfish and by that I mean I'm going to take the time to focus on myself. My needs, my feelings and my happiness. I'm making a promise to myself and to my readers to focus inward and find my joy.

I hope you'll join me, and I hope you are inspired to search for your own inner spark!